A Seeker's Fanfiction
by Spades And Swords
Summary: Cassandra may not have any talent for writing, but that sure isn't going to stop her from creating multiple smutty stories based on her friends. But when her secret hobby comes to light, the Inquisition and all of its members will never be the same again...
1. The Inquisition Greatly Disapproves

Cassandra took another sip of her drink. The warmth sensation of the beer going down her throat made her mind burst with ideas. She smiled, not too obvious yet not too faintly and transformed into words the images inside her head.

Though the images she had were hard, they weren't hard to write.

_Hard…_

_"If you know what I mean."_ She thought to herself, not knowing whether she should feel ashamed of proud of her imagination.

_And so he yielded his long, bloody sword_

_and stabbed her with it until she cried:_

_SWEET MAKER,MY GOOD LORD!_

"Well, I hope you aren't' considering a career in poetry any time soon, Cassandra, because either you'll starve or get tomatoed to death."

Cassandra gasped and hid the papers under her arms, causing the beer and some of the ink to spill on the table. It was a mess, but nothing in comparison with the mess of a bastard that had been spying her writing over her shoulder for only Andraste knew how long.

_Long…_

"Maker's breath, if that's the face all authors make when they are writing, then no wonder they are very lonely people."

"Dorian! You cursed Tevinter, what are you doing here?"

Cassandra grabbed the mage by the neck and shook him in such a violent way it almost looked as if they were performing a rare, aggresive dance. Iron Bull watched them from afar and , with a thumbs up, he greatly approved.

"I knew you were a weird man, but not even I imagined you were one of those creepers with no sense of stealth!" Cassandra continued choking Dorian without giving any chance to the mage of freeing himself.

"And neither I ever thought you were the kind of women who wrote smutty literature" Said Dorian between gasps and coughs. "Not-not that I disapprove…"

Cassandra began to calm down after those last words and she eventually let go of Dorian, to the disapproval of the people of the tavern, who were beginning to enjoy the show. Among them was still the Iron Bull, but by then he was so drowned in alcohol he had fallen asleep in Krem's shoulder, snoring louder than a literal bull.

"Not even my parents treated me this way! The abuse was usually only emotional."

Dorian looked at Cassandra with bold defiance as he cleared his throat and used his fingers to comb his hair. He couldn't dare to not look fabulous for even a minute, and had Vivienne been there, she would have greatly approved, after delivering one hell of a sassy one liner, of course.

"Explain yourself this instant, Tevinter. What do you want? Can't you see I am busy writing smu- I mean, planning sophisticated military strategies."

"To that I call bullshit, because the only sophisticated strategy I saw you planning was of another matter." Dorian replied, folding his arms and giving Cassandra a smugly smile. "The sexual matter, to be more precise. As for why I am here, I was simply following the Inquisitor order to tell you to go the War Room, because apparently I'm now the new errand boy of Skyhold. The nerve of some people…"

Cassandra's heart skipped a beat. The Inquisitor wanted her in the War Room? That hadn't happened ever since the good old days in Haven!

Cassandra was intrigued and excited to once again join the Inquisitor, along with Cullen, Leliana and Josephine. Seeing their faces as the Inquisitor sent them on boring missions was one of her life's greatest amusements.

"Thanks for the message, I shall attend to that order at once. Oh, and by the way, Tevinter…"

Cassandra pointed at an apple that was resting on the same table she had been writing. The fruit was red, smooth and juicy.

"That is your balls."

Dorian looked at the apple and smiled approvingly.

"The comparassion is surprisingly accurate."

And then, with a mighty fist, Cassandra smashed the poor apple until it was nothing more than a mushy pap.

"And that is what your balls will be if you tell anyone about what you have seen."

"Well, this metaphor suddenly took a dark turn." Said Dorian, feeling a mixture of shock and fear for his… golden eggs.

"Good, in that case you won't forget. Have a nice day, Tevinter."

The seeker abandoned the tavern walking proudly; though deep inside she was so happy she could have skipped her way to the War room. Dorian felt so relieved to see her go that he had to sit down for a bit. He was achieving to feel something similar to peace when his eyes met with the poor apple that gave its life to give power to Cassandra's threat.

"This is what I get for allowing the Inquisitor to order me around. Who does she think she is? I'm going this instant to tell her how much I disapprove! I'm sure my opinion will greatly affect her future choices, or else I'm getting my ass away from this damn Inquisition, I swear to the Maker…"

As he rambled on, his throat became dry and he decided to refresh it with the few beer Cassandra had left behind.

"If this is dwarven ale, I'm going to give a critical hit to the bartender." He muttered, grabbing the tin and rolling his eyes.

However, he never got to discover the taste of the drink as he left it completely forgotten on the table after he discovered the papers filled with storis written by none else than a seeker named Cassandra.

In her eagerness to got to the War room, she had forgotten her stories, leaving them all alone and completely under Dorian's disposition.

An evil smile appeared on the mage's face, so wide that he almost bit his ears. He grabbed the papers and raised the same way a hero raises his sword.

"Oh bless me maker, for I am about to make this world a better place!" He exclaimed, standing on the table and striking a triumphant pose.

He was in such awe and his mind was so busy crafting his mischievous deed that he didn't even feel pain when the Iron Bull throw an empty tin at him and it hit him right in his shinny, sassy forehead.

"Excuse you, asshole, but some of us are trying to get some sleep here." Said the Bull. "I greatly disapprove."

"And I, my dear Bull." Answered Dorian, kissing the papers as if they were a handsome lover. "Greatly, greatly don't give a fuck."


	2. From Seeker to Fanficker

"Cullen, Josephine, Leliana! Report!"

The three advisors handed over their reports to the Inquisitor, who read them carefully and with a overwhelming sense of responsibility.

"Look at her, Leliana. Only a true leader who cares about her people would read all those reports without falling asleep in the process." Said Cullen, filled with pride and respect for his green-handed superior.

Leliana only watched in silence as the Inquisitor dropped on the floor.

"Oh." Muttered Cullen, somewhat ashamed for what he had just said. "Shit."

Josephine sighed and kneeled next to the Inquisitor only to discover she was completely asleep. The only thing that could be heard was the Inquisitor's loud snoring.

"We cannot continue like this. How are we supposed to take a good line of action when our leader never reads the reports completely?" complained Josephine, equally upset and mad.

"More important, why do we even write them if she isn't going to read them in the first place?" added Leliana. "A complete waste of our useful time."

"Oh really? Besides writing your reports, all you have to do is feeding your weird-eyed crows, Leliana." Said Josephine, feeling that the spy had not right to complain when comparing both of their load work.

"While all you do is organizing dances and feasts for those masked crows of the court. I'd rather work with the literal birds than the metaphorical ones any time." Retorted the spy.

"If instead of crows they were cocks, would you still prefer the literal ones, Leliana?" announced a dramatic voice. It belonged to none other than Cassandra, who had observed the whole scene in silence, trying to remember every single detail to use as inspiration for new ideas for her stories.

The Seeker's voice worked like a miraculous medicine for the Inquisitor, who woke up and quickly stood on her feet again just by hearing it. Josephine would have disapproved if she had had the choice, Leliana wondered if she still had enough seed for her winged friends while Cullen could only asked himself if that was real or if he had ingested red lyrium again.

If he hadn't, he sure was going to after seeing what was to come.

"Cassandra, my friend!" greeted the Inquisitor, patting the seeker on the back. "We face a dark enemy that only you are able to defeat. It is a hard quest that may cost you a part of yourself, but there's no other chance of victory."

"I assume you are talking about Corypheus." Said Cassandra.

"What the- No, of course not! That is my main quest, remember? Don't go around trying to steal other people's destinies, Cassandra. It's rude." Scolded the Inquisitor.

"My apologies, I simply misunderstood."

"As long as you don't disapprove, there's no harm done."

"Inquisitor, my Templar sense informs me that for some reason, Vivienne disapproved about what you just said." informed Cullen with total seriousness.

"Well I disapprove about her horny helmet yet I put up with it, so I'm sure she can deal with my choices just fine." Said the Inquisitor with a confident voice.

"Makes sense to me." Cullen shrugged.

"Is there a mission you can't complete, a monster you can't defeat? Or maybe you're in need of my wise, insightful advice…" Guessed Cassandra, making the Inquisitor laugh like never before as she and the advisors watched in silence.

Cassandra was lost in her confusion. If it was not her physical power, her strategic mind or her strong will what they needed, then for what reason she had been summoned to the war room?

"No, I actually need your help with another thing." Said the Inquisitor. "You see what I need is-

The three advisors intervened and argued about the Inquistor's problem. When they tried to inform Cassandra at the same time, the only left her more in the dark.

Sensing the seeker's confusion, the Inquisitor ordered her advisors to shut up so she could speak, punching the war table.

"My, you are quite the little tyrant."

"What did you say, Leliana?"

"I said that you have the strength of a giant."

"Oh, thank you kindly." The Inquisitor smiled at her advisor and then turned her attention to Casandra. "We have big trouble; I'm not going to lie. Not even Corypheus is a match for the enemy that is… my advisors' boring writing style!"

A lighting roared in the sky, which was weird because it was a sunny, beautiful day.

"Can I go now?" said a tired voice from the window.

"Yes Solas, thanks for lending me your magic to add to the dramatic effect." Said the Inquisitor.

"Of all the clichés, she just had to go for that one…" Mused Solas as he left, wondering if his spirit friends in the Fade ever had to deal with such nonsense.

Now that she had the atmosphere appropriate for such scene, the Inquisitor proceeded with her explanation.

"Did you see that, Cassandra? That's what the reports lack: emotion, drama, outstanding effects! They are so boring they make me wish a rift opened and swallowed me."

"But Inquisitor." Added Cullen, a little offended by his leader's affirmations. "We do try to make the reports entertaining for you! We add our thoughts and our emotions, and they are incredibly witty."

"Well yes, but why be witty when you can be smutty?" Inquired the Inquisitor , leaving Cullen and his advisors speechless and with their mouths opens. "Do you know what I mean?"

"Oh, I certainly do." Answered Cassandra, her approval level reaching sky-like levels.

The Inquisitor looked at the seeker, her eyes full of hopes and dreams. Dreams about smutty reports and random pairings of her allies and enemies. She couldn't wait!

Drawing her sword, she ordered Cassandra to kneel. She then rested her sword on Cassandra's right shoulder.

"From now on, thou shalt be known not only as Lady Cassandra, the Seeker." Pronounced the Inquisitor as if she was a queen knighting a knight. "Raise now and fulfill your new duty, Lady Cassandra, the Inquisition's fanficker! Go now, accept my advisors' reports, and transform them into catchy steamy porn!"

"To be given this honor is…well, a honor." Said Cassandra, standing up again ,with her heart and a soul consumed with pride and excitement. "I shall not disappoint, your worship."

She and the Inquisitor embraced, and thus, the pact was sealed for all eternity.

"I wonder if it is too late to mutiny." Whispered Leliana to Josephine.

"If it isn't, know you have my total support." Answered Josephine, starting to question her life's decisions.

"But Inquisitor…I can also write smutty reports. I swear." Muttered Cullen, looking at what he had written with a mix of sadness and pity.

After the little ceremony was done, Cassandra was more than ready to start with her new duty. She grabbed of all the reports and was about to leave the War Room when suddenly, the doors open with a deafening slam. She, the Inquisitor and the advisors all gazed in awe at the short silhouette that stood in front of them.

Cassandra confronted the newcomer without fear. She wasn't surprised at all it was him.

"Varrick."

"Seeker, I know what you've done. And sadly, I can't let it continue, for there is only room for one writer in the Inquisition, and that writer is me." Sentenced Varrick, his voice strangely threatening. "This isn't how I wanted it to be, but there's no choice. We shall now fight, and the loser will give up writing … forever!"

Another lighting illuminated the cloudless sky.

"Thank you Vivienne, that should be enough." Said Varrick to the mage behind him.

"No problem, darling. That's what the Inquisitor gets for not minding my disapproval."

"Rude." Said the Inquisitor.

Everyone politely waited for Vivienne to leave before reassuming the argument. The advisors tried to make the Inquisitor stop the fight, claiming that fighting over something so stupid was as useful as throwing a frisk full of bees to a dragon.

"There's no choice!" The inquisitor proclaimed. "If two writers must fight, they won't be stopped even by a plight! That is some fine verse I just made right now."

"Just because it rhymes it doesn'tmean it's fine." declared Varrick ,nodding disapprovingly and putting his hands on his waist.

"Shut up and face me, Varrick!" Exclaimed Cassandra, fully prepared for battle.

And to commemorate the occasion, she sang a little poem :

_Lyruim is red,_

_Wardens are grey._

_I'll beat you to death,_

_And then write stories _

_very gay._

And so their clash begun.

"I must think about what just happened." Said Cullen, putting his hands on his temples. "And maybe have a good round of red lyrium."

"Save one for me." Said Josephine, completely done with the Inquisitor and the writers.

"Save all of it for me" Said Leliana, following her fellow advisors.

Even so, deep inside her heart she had the hope that Cassandra would be victorious. She couldn't help but to be was curious about her stories and her smutty interpretations of her reporters.

After thinking about it some more, Leliana sighed.

"Maybe…" she said to Josephine in a confidential tone "I do really have a lot of free time."

"Yes. Agreed Josephine. "You do."


End file.
